Friday, February 15, 2013


There's almost a baby named Zachary Border in my life. I'm currently 35-4/7 weeks with this guy and getting closer to his due date of March 18th. I know I posted the thing about not wanting kids and all of that, but just an FYI, I wrote that about 4 years ago and just didn't post it right away. Things change. At one time I thought I never wanted to get married. Then Eric and I began our journey, and things changed. I thought I might not want kids, but then it changed. Crazy. I'm still in denial of the whole thing really. I know that in the near future I will not even remember what it was like before Zach came along, but for now, I'm a little scared. Change--good or bad--can be frightening. I love my life right now. Eric and I are doing great (he's the best caretaker EVER and I am the luckiest woman in the world. I have literally cooked dinner about 7 times throughout the entire pregnancy and he has cooked almost every other meal). Our house is cozy and nice, our pets are fun, my job is fine and pays the bills, I'm getting through school (aside from taking this semester off because I'll be giving birth and all). We have our routine and we love it! And now we're flipping it all upside down. Which has its perks and everything, and I'm sure we'll love it, but as of now, I feel a lot of guilt for how neglected my animals are about to become, and anxiety about all of the changes that are about to take place. Like I said, good or bad, change is still scary.

I'm also pretty scared of the giving birth part itself. I keep looking at all of my "friends" on facebook who've had babies recently and reminding myself that if they can do it, I can do it. I've taken steps toward attempting a natural birth. I hate the stigma that has... mostly because anything hippy or natural tends to get a lot of guff from people who do not participate or utilize. My assumption is that they are defensive because they feel like they're being judged. We chose cloth diapering for our little guy, for example. I can't stand the thought of the waste in the landfills, and the waste of the money spent on disposables. During my research period I found a LOT of negative feedback being given by non-CDers to CDers... unprovoked, unsolicited, and honestly, fucking rude. Most of the CDer responses were just asking people to be nice and reminding them that they are just doing what's right for them and their families, and the non CDers should do the same. But the attacks kept coming. There are ups and downs to both disposable and cloth diapering. We weighed the positives and negatives of both and chose one that feels right to us. I don't give a shit what kind of diapers the next family uses because my assumption is they are doing what is right for them. So same goes with the natural birth thing. I'm not saying that's what I'm 100% going for. But thinking about being incapacitated, slowing down the birth, potential risks, etc. freaks me out. I know the pain is going to be like nothing I've ever felt before, which is why I am open to the use of the pain meds if I feel I need them at the time. I actually went to a hypnotist for some guided meditation and pain management techniques. Our session was recorded and I now listen to it as I fall asleep most nights. I'm hoping this really helps me achieve the natural birth that I'm going for.

So enough making excuses for why I'm making the choices that I am. I feel like a lot of the words above serve the purpose of explaining so I'm not judged incorrectly. I started this entry with the intention of writing something positive and uplifting, maybe a little funny... but I've run out of steam, so I'm going to leave it as is and maybe come back to it later.